


If I could go right now, I would

by Everettevans



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Depression, Drabble, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everettevans/pseuds/Everettevans
Summary: These are very depressing drabbles that revolve around Amy's death and how Sheldon cope with that.Mostly just my painful thoughts that I need to get out. Read at your own risk.*This can be correlated with my other fic, The Deterioration of One Sheldon Cooper.
Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Amy Farrah Fowler
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry...

“I’m tired, Amy” Sheldon sighed as he looked up to the sky. 

“They say it would get better with time and for a moment I believe them. Leonard, Howard, and Raj supposed to know this better than I do, so why am I still tired?”

His shoulders sagged as the burden of the world rested on them. Sheldon’s eyes are surrounded by dark circles, his cheeks are gaunt, while his brown hair is lying limply on his forehead. It has been a while since his last haircut. It has been a while since he cares. 

Sheldon looked beside him and wondered loudly, “Do you think it would get better?”

Without waiting for an answer, Sheldon shook his head as a negative and looked down on his lap, “No, I don’t think so. This would only get worse.”

He closed his eyes as he let the wind blow past his thin body, “I’m just so tired. I just want to sleep and forget.”

He chuckled at that, “To think that I used to see my eidetic memory as a gift. What a laughable idea was that?” He shook his head again as he chuckled humorlessly. 

“Please, tell me what to do. I don’t think I can do this anymore.” A lone tear escaped from the corner of his eyes. 

“I wish you were here, Amy. I miss you so much.” Sheldon said finally as he caressed the gravestone and laid down his wife’s favourite flowers on the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what you're in for...

“I’m living in a fantasy, Amy. I noticed that, but I can’t seem to pull myself out.” Amy smiled faintly at that, putting her hand on Sheldon’s shoulder. Sheldon wants to put his arm around his wife, but he doesn’t want to break this illusion just yet. 

He only closed his eyes as he imagined the soft touch of Amy, his beautiful, gentle, and kind Amy. It worked for a while before a ghost of cold air reminded him of who’s not there anymore. 

“I wish I had the strength to do it and move on, but I just can’t. I can’t make you just a part of me. You are my whole life.”

This time, Amy doesn’t offer anything as a reply and Sheldon started to fear that even his brilliant mind could not conjure the perfect replica of the woman he loved anymore. It has been a while, and it shouldn’t even be a problem considering his eidetic memory, but lately, everything seems to blur. 

Amy had stopped answering him. He could not hear her sound any longer. Her touch seems to fade away, getting colder at every moment. What could he do if one day he couldn’t even imagine her face anymore? He’s barely coping as it is and he just feels so, so tired. 

When Sheldon opened his eyes, there’s no Amy smiling back at him, just an empty cold room in a barely liveable apartment. What day is it? He remembered Leonard trying to get him out of bed. Or was it yesterday? Nothing makes sense anymore. 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Amy. I’m tired.” 

A tried sob wrenched to his body before it settled to a more quiet whimper, “Please, take me with you. I’m so tired, Amy.”


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, you. Yes, you. You whom I love very much, where have you been all this time? 

The world is so confusing lately. I lost my sight. I lost my purpose. I lost myself without you who guide me back. 

And now I am exhausted being the blind man that I am without you. 

Since when did he start writing this kind of stuff? He could not remember the last time he writes anything other than for academic matters. 

There was a journal on his nightstand, and without thinking, he picked it up. He looked at his past equations. So complicated, so beautiful, and yet so meaningless now. His last remaining sentimentality stopped him from reaping those pages out or was it his fatigue that prevented him from doing so? He cannot differentiate anymore. 

He didn’t even remember picking up this pen from the drawer. The only thing he remembers is staring emptily on the blank page of his journal before putting these constant repetitive words into writing. He needed them out before they haunted his last remaining sane mind. 

Sheldon looked at the empty spot beside him. How many days has it been since the last time he saw Amy? 

Amy must have been very busy with her works. She hasn’t gone home in weeks. 

He missed hearing her voice. Maybe he could call her? He picked up his phone from under the pillow, ignoring all the notifications, and just press Amy’s number by memory. 

One, two, three, five rings, no one picked up. The only voice he could hear in the bedroom is his ragged breathing.   
Amy must be asleep, Sheldon thinks. 

Sheldon decided just to go back to sleep, forgetting his half-written journal. Unconsciously, he reached out for the empty spot beside him, hoping for warmth that is his wife but found nothing but a cold empty sheet. He found her pillow though, with her faint smell invading his worries. It was soothing and yet so wrong. 

Maybe it was just because of his tiredness, or he just doesn’t have anything else to give that he fell asleep immediately after that. The tears have stopped a long time ago but not this painful feeling in his chest. He just wants to sleep because only in his sleep that he does not feel anymore.


End file.
